Sunday was my day of discharge and I woke up very scared. I was not ready to leave and I couldn't believe they were ready to let me go! I cried immediately and called Bret. Then I sat there and cried for 2 more hours and called Bret again to cry some more. Then I called my mom and cried some more...jeeezzzz Superwoman - what the hell happened to you!! Well....the doctor came in and I cried and he sat down on my bed to chat. What I learned was this - THIS IS NORMAL!!! A lot of people have a type of separation anxiety after such life altering experiences and it is totally normal for me to be scared. Did this stop me from crying...yea right! Next, my nurse came in and I cried again so she gave me a hug and told me the same thing Dr. Reese said....I wish I could say that made me feel better.
So, about 2:30 it was time to go...leave my safe haven and go out to the world. Deep breath...1...2...3..GO!! And did I cry in the wheelchair all the way to the car?? You betcha! Although I was excited to be out to watch my Steelers lose the Superbowl - LOL Oh well, we can't win 'em all!
Another issue, other than the anxiety that I have is that I do not look like me and that bothers me. I have what they call hyperpigmentation on areas of my body due to the radiation. This is discoloration...dark spots. My eyes are all crusty and my nose is all runny so that is crusty too. I have a hard time looking in the mirror, because it is not me looking back – it is a weak, sick girl with sunken in eyes. I know all of this will go away, but it is very difficult to swallow.
Here is a picture of what I looked like the day of discharge - and any of you that say "you look great" I know you are liars!!! If anything, I had been crying all day so that in itself takes its tole! haha
Speaking of swallowing, I am having trouble eating and drinking because my taste buds are shot and my throat still has a little bit of soreness. So I had my first doctors appointment yesterday and they told me I need to get hydrated and try to eat whatever I can. They made an extra point of this by hooking me up to hydration for 2hours! Okay I get it – I will drink more…sheeesh!
At my doctors appointment, what was the first thing I do when they say “how are you”?? I cry! Yep – I have not been a very good Superwoman over the last couple of days. I told them my issues and they, of course, said that it is normal to feel this way – especially with young women and not looking “normal”. They assured me that they are there for me and if I feel anything abnormal, call them 24-7 or come right over. That made me feel better and I haven’t had too many outbursts since then. I found out that my white count was 14K, and my platelet count was 50!! That is super! I go back on Thursday and if my counts keep climbing or even stay the same, I will get the monster pheresis port taken out on Friday!! YAY!! After that, I will see how much longer they want me at the hotel, I may not even be here for 2 weeks. Now, we will see if I flip out at that point or not….to be determined!
That's my update for now!
xoxo - Joni
Email of the day:
Thank you for keeping my life in perspective. The courage you and Bret show daily is amazing, if there is anything I can do just like the million other friends you have I am happy to help!
Until you are in need of my help I will just continue to keep you both in my prayers!!!
Quote of the day:
I will take care of you, I raised you and took care of you and I can do it now.
Alright Joni! Moving forward!
ReplyDeleteYou are such an inspiration to me! Sorry missed out on seeing you. Hope you are able to go home soon. Wendy
ReplyDeleteTEARS OF A WOMAN
ReplyDeleteGod~ When I created woman, she needed to be special.
I created her shoulders strong enough to bare the weigh to of the world, and soft enough to be comfortable.
I gave her the strength to give life, the kind that accepts the rejection that often comes from children.
I gave her the strength to allow her to go on when everybody else gives up.
The kind that takes care or her family despite sickenss and fatigue.
I gave her sensitivity to love her children unconditionally; even when they have hurt her deeply.
I gave her strength to endure her husband and his faults, and to stay at his side without weakening.
And finally, I gave her tears to be shed whenever she needs them to be shed.
The Beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, nor is it in her face or the way she wears her hair.
The beauty of the woman resides in her eyes.
Its the door to her heart; the door where Love resides.
And its often through her tears that you see her heart go by.
I saw this poem and I thought of you... SISTER CRY <3
You are simply put, A M A Z I N G! You have come so far...hold your head up high, Joni. You have managed to get through the last few weeks with dignity and grace. When I look at your picture, the word that comes to mind is R E S O L V E. You have been through a huge ordeal. Be good to yourself - allow yourself to cry as much as you want. There will be plenty of time for more "Superwoman" moments. Sending you a great big hug!
ReplyDeleteAfter a hard and won battle we always end up looking like crap. It's like getting into a fight. We never look pretty at the end so that ok. You are a strong women I can tell by reading your blog. It's ok that your scared it would be scary if you weren't. You are amazing so keep your head up and keep on moving.
ReplyDelete